Some Real Estate Jokes
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New Home:
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".
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Ethics Exam
First Agent : Did you pass your ethics exam?
Second Agent: I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated.
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Quitter
A guy walks into the real estate office and hands the broker his application. The broker begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every real estate office he has ever worked for.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every real estate office."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the broker, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
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Hot Shot Broker
A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and
started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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Rival Gets Double
A real estate agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make,
your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
The real estate agent thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "
But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the agent said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
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My buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked, I found out he'd still be there
today if the Governor hadn't pardoned him.
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I have a temporary mortgage. What do you mean temporary? Until they foreclose.
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Realtor: first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we'll have a good laugh and go on from there.
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A housewarming is the final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present
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By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn't.
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Homesickness What you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
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House problem: The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't.
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WHEN the last of their three children was about to leave home, my parents decided to buy a smaller house. The real-estate sign went up. A week later, a second "For Sale" sign appeared two doors away. "Soon you'll have new families on either side of you," my mother remarked to the neighbour whose house was in the middle. "We're thinking of putting up our own sign," she replied wistfully. "It would read: 'Was it something we said?' "
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OWNER to a house hunter: "Yes, the kitchen is a bit small, but with a mortgage like this you won't do much cooking anyway."
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
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WE WERE staying at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbour has a nice little cottage for sale, case you're interested," he told us. Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is." The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer." Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?" "Weren't neighbours then," he replied.
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One Sunday afternoon a couple sees an ad in the paper. They can't believe their eyes. There is a house in the paper for $1000 that is in the nicest part of town. We are talking about a Highland Park mansion for $1000. They think this has to be a misprint, but decide to call anyway.
They say to lady who answers we saw your ad, and realize it is a misprint correct. She tells them no it's not & you are actually the first ones to call.
They decide to go look at the house. They race over as fast as they can. They pull up to the most beautiful house on the block. In front of the house is a fountain that cost at least $30,000. They ring the door bell & the lady answers. She starts showing them the house. They realize this house is over 5000 sq ft and it is obvious that expense was not a problem in building this house. The house had marble imported from Italy & a chandelier imported from France. The landscaping was breath taking & the house had a great pool & a nice tennis court.
The couple said to the lady this is the most beautiful house we have ever seen, what's the catch? The lady assured the couple there was no catch. The couple wanted the house for $1,000 but was leery of doing the deal. Finally the lady said you seem like a nice couple, so I'll let you know the truth.
She told them this house is completely paid for, and not a penny is owed against it. Well, last week I got a call from my Husband. He informed me he is leaving me for his secretary. He then told me I could have everything we own as long as he could have the proceeds off the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he & his new girlfriend hung out in the Caribbean?
HOUSE SOLD.
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A Different Kind of Animal
A real estate broker was recently overheard expressing her respect for developers and the risks they take.
"Developers," she said, "are a special kind of breed - they shape our world and create the paths on which we walk. Indeed, a special kind of animal..."
Just what kind of animal?
She thinks developers are a lot like the rhinoceros. She shared his characterization of rhinos:
- Their behavior is aggressive and often unpredictable, and their charge is often preceded by a lot of snorting and kicking up of dust.
- They have incredibly thick hide. Their skin actually resembles metal armor - rivets and all.
- They have no sweat glands and need to take a lot of mud baths to stay cool.
- All members of the species have an excellent sense of smell; their nostril cavities actually exceed their brain in size.
- Their eyesight is quite poor and experts say they are incapable of seeing what lies directly ahead during a charge. Quite often they miss their targets.
- A group of rhinos is not known as a herd but as a "crash."
- And finally, rhinos tend to pile up dung to mark their territory. The dung heap marks the center of the territory and acts as a stimulus to other rhinos. Other rhinos in flight cannot resist the urge to stop and add their contribution to the pile.
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